Just keep scrolling unless you’re in the mood to read jumbled sentences of me rambling about my issues. :P
Stress. Stress stress stress. Everything is just freaking me out. I’m just in a weird…mood, or something, and every single aspect of my life is putting stress on me in some way. And I have absolutely no outlet for all this stress (which is why I’m writing this pointless post. By the way, feel free to skip this and read the interesting things on your dashboard.). I had a journal where I wrote when I was upset (or any strong emotion), but my psychotic mother read it and flipped out, so I can’t put my thoughts there. I used to be able to talk to people at my house when I needed to, but mom has taken to reading my texts, emails, facebook messages, and listening to my phone calls, so that is no longer an option.
Even if it was I can’t really explain all the things I’m upset about and I can’t necessarily talk to people because sometimes they’re the problem. I have an extremely full schedule. Not just school. But I do have classes from 7-3:30. Band on top of that until 6 on Tuesday and Thursday. AP and Honors classes (not really a problem, they just mean less free time). Football games on Fridays (don’t even get me started on the band this year, I almost cried this evening because nobody is putting in any effort or trying at all, and we only have ONE movement on the field!), work on Saturdays and Sundays until whenever the last intoxicated moron drags his butt off of the golf course (which is usually late. Really late), and of course in my household church is mandatory on sundays even if you’re spewing vomit out of your nose or something repulsive like that. So that means getting up at 8 even though all I look forward to during the week is sleep. And that’s my week. Before I know it, its monday and I have to do it all over again.
My mom has this weird psychotic desire to take away every ounce of privacy I have ever had (which was not much to begin with) and trying to force me to tell her my secrets or some crap. However, I cannot talk to my mother because she is insane. She and I have completely different views and if I shared my true views with her she would flip out. And then probably declare mandatory family Bible study or something. No thanks. And anyway, I don’t trust her. The moment she started digging through my stuff to find notes to read and read my journal, I lost ay desire to share anything about my life with her. Just…no.
Certain events that took place a few months ago still deeply affect me and just tear away at my emotions whenever I’m alone with too much time to think. Every day I think about how two people I trust(ed) and love(ed) completely fucked me over. And it is so hard to explain because it wasn’t…I don’t know. But sometimes I just think “Wow, you were capable of doing that to me, how can I ever give you 100% of my trust again?” and I’m not sure if I can or have. And it really bothers me because I didn’t do anything to deserve what happened. Person one was just an emotionally needy person who…collects people to play therapist to, essentially. Person two was just an idiot who decided to have secret…dates, basically, with that person because they needed somebody to confide in. I have always been there and confided 100% of myself to them and they decided to go to somebody else. But, I’ve…well, not forgiven really, because I feel like forgiveness would mean less random moments of thinking about what they did and getting mad and/or crying because I still don’t know why they would do that to me. But I’ve moved past it for the most part. I still have relationships with those people and I do love them, but sometimes when I am by myself for a few hours, my thoughts get to me. I know this sounds crazy, I promise I’m usually normal.
And of course I have extreme body image issues cropping up as of late. I want nothing more than to have clear skin and be 40 lbs lighter and a size 2.
All of that crap and soooo much more is in my mind at once competing for attention, and I just want to be able to chill out.